Save Yourself

Music is on.  It’s a good sign for me, when I can have music on.  It means my heart and mind are in sync.  It means that no matter how upset or manic I may be, I have some sense about me.  I won’t be killing myself or anyone else.  Sure the playlist might be titled “Death Songs” or “Music to Kill Yourself To”, but that’s just nonsense.  What’s really going on is that I’m feeling it all out.  I’m trying.  I haven’t given up.

A good friend of mine broke a promise to me the other night.  It wasn’t like she did anything horrible.  We had plans to move together this summer, to get a place so that my girl and I could leave this rotten environment we’ve been trapped in for the last 5 years.  And because she was promising to do it, my girl and I haven’t been putting any effort into finding a place for the last 6 months.  We had our plan.  We were going with her somewhere.  We were even going to let her pick where because we wanted it to be comfortable for her, for her life.  And then a few nights ago she just sends me this message saying she can’t do it, it’s just too stressful of a situation for her.  No real details or reasons.  Just that she can’t do it.  It’s really just a bunch of bullshit.  The truth is there are reasons and I deserve to hear the reasons.  Without hearing those reasons I get nothing but a friend hurting me, disappointing me.  With those reasons the outcome might be the same, but I can wrap my head around the why.  And I don’t think she understands that.  I think she thinks that by just copping out and leaving it with a lame, “I can’t handle it right now”, she is saving me from the truth.  No one ever understands that the truth heals me.  When you have been lied to and have lied your whole life, the truth is like medicine.  It is the only thing you can swallow without getting sick.

I want to hear that it’s because she sees the drama of my relationship and she’s way too overwhelmed just seeing me go through it to go through it with me.  I want to hear her say, “Your girlfriend is a fucking train wreak and I can be your friend and talk to you about it on occasion, but there is no way in hell I want to wake up to her and her bullshit every fucking day.”  Say that to me because maybe I need some validation that my relationship is a mess and I am going through a lot.  Maybe it would help me to have someone else say to me that they see just how hard and unrealistic it is for me to sustain this kind of madness.  Be a fucking friend and stand up to me and tell me what you really feel.

Or maybe that isn’t the case.  Maybe it isn’t me and my girl.  Maybe it’s her and her girl.  Ok, so have some balls and tell me that.  Tell me that you want to keep your apartment because you want to keep seeing your girlfriend and moving in with us will mean that you will have to worry about my judgment and you don’t want to have to explain every little decision to me.  I know I have strong opinions about what you are doing with this woman.  I have them because I care about you and think rather highly of you, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t forceful.  I hold you up to a high standard and right now what you are doing, what you are accepting is ridiculously beneath you as far as I am concerned.  And while I always leave your decisions up to you I still say what I think.  Maybe you can’t handle that and you would rather not deal with me.  I would totally sympathize with you on that.  I’m not going to be able to just smile and be happy that you are doing things that you yourself have said you wouldn’t.  If you weaken and let this woman play you I would say something.  I would hold you to your word.  And maybe you just want to give in and forget all the rules you put into place.  Love does that to people.  Look at me.  I am bending over backwards to let my girlfriend remain in my life even though she hurts me and breaks all sorts of rules and promises.  I would expect you to point that out and wish better for me.  The only difference here is that I was looking forward to you being around to help me stay strong and maybe you were seeing me being around as an annoyance because you don’t want me there to remind you of what you said you wanted out of your relationship.  Maybe you have changed your mind and are willing to accept things from your girl and you know that I would be a bitch about that.  Maybe that’s the difference and you didn’t want to deal with me.  If that’s the case, I get it.  I really do.  And I would’ve understood if you told me.  And I would’ve felt a lot better about you changing your mind about moving in if you just told me that.  But instead I got, “I can’t handle the stress.”

What fucking stress is there to having all of your bills cut in half?  What fucking stress is there to having a car at your disposal 24/7?  What fucking stress is there to having someone else help you pay for food?  What fucking stress is there to having someone else help you tend to your dog while you work long hours and try to have a life and be a full time student?  What fucking stress is there to having someone else do your laundry?  Do the dishes?  Cook some meals?  Understand your mental illness enough to leave you alone when you want it, but not so much that you’re in any kind of danger?  Seriously, i don’t see anything that is a negative unless it is Karen or Dawn.  And you just couldn’t be honest about it.  Open about it.  You waited long enough to tell me, you could’ve waited a couple of more days and had me over in person and told me with enough time to talk it all out.  But no, you facebook message me in the middle of the night.  Really lame.  Really disappointing.

I just spent the last month telling everyone in my life how amazing you were for being THAT friend.  That one person finally in my life who was going to finally share a living space with me, not out of necessity, but out of friendship and mutual respect.  And how much that meant to me that you saw me as your equal.  And then you do this lame ass shit.

I get it.  When it’s good, it’s good.  And when it’s not, fuck me.

So the music is on and I wrote this out because I don’t want to trash talk her to anyone.  I obviously feel this way, but I can’t say this stuff to anyone because while I want to vent, I just don’t want to speak ill of her.  I know she’s a good person with her own issues.  I know she doesn’t know how bad this is hurting me.  I know she would’ve done it differently if she could.  It just sucks and there is nothing I can do about it.  I’ll not stop being her friend.  I’ll just pull away and let it go.  If she wants to rebuild what she kicked and knocked over that opportunity will always be there.  I never end friendships.  When I love, I love forever.


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